Toddlers and tiaras...

Now that I'm home a lot - like all day, all the time - I watch a lot of television. And watching it leads to more watching, because there are always promos for new shows.

From "10 Things I Hate About You" (based on one of my favorite movies) to "Ruby & the Rockits," I've been busy this week. But perhaps the show I'd anticipated the most was aired tonight on The Learning Channel, TLC. It's called "Toddlers & Tiaras" and follows a few select parents and their children as they enter super high-class beauty contests.

I don't know what was most shocking and disgusting - the fact that one mother reluctantly admitted she has spent $65,000-$70,000 so far on hear 4-year-old princess or the fact that said princess frequently wears fake eyelashes, mascara, fake hair and a fake tan and claims the fake hand puppets her mom entertains her with are her best friends. Or perhaps it was the moment when she took her child for a photo shoot even though the toddler had a fever and wouldn't stop crying. "I might take her to the doctor when we're done," she said.

Another mother - supposedly a former beauty contestant herself, although I daresay it would be a stretch to call her pretty - was pushing her five daughters into the world of parading in silly dresses to show off their beauty. Two of the daughters were fraternal twins, competing against each other in the same age group.

"It isn't always fun because my sister always wins," said one of the adorable (and less cocky) 6-year-olds when interviewed.

It was clear the mother preferred the other sister, the one who always wins. Of the one I thought was the cutest, she only said, "It looks so forced when she's on stage."

"Well of course!!!" I yelled at her from the couch. "YOU are forcing her to do this!!!"

She didn't hear me. But it got a little better as the favorite twin threw a temper tantrum and was pulled from the competition by her father, who loathes beauty pageants (the mom, of course, was devastated). And the shy girl took home the Director's Choice Award once her sister was out of the picture.

But, wait. Then there was the mom, who seemed OK at first. She entered her 7-year-old son, dressed in a tiny tuxedo, into the competition. Of course, I gave up all hope as she also entered her 2-month-old baby boy - so small he couldn't even hold his own head up when she showed him off to the judges - in an even tinier tuxedo. I can't even imagine how much she spent to have those made.

"It makes me feel good that I can make beautiful babies," she said after they both took home trophies.

The 4-year-old princess, of course, took home the top prize of the entire pageant - a $1,000 award. She smiled and waved, and held up the shiny tiara that was too big to fit on her little head. She added it to her collection of tiaras, which filled a whole wall in her room.

"I love to be perfect," she said. Her mom nodded in agreement.

Puppy Bowl

Tonight is the biggest night of the year for football fans - the Super Bowl.

I don't like football, and I don't care for the Super Bowl much, except for the funny million-dollar ads in between the standing around and smacking each other on the butt.

Another good thing about today is that Animal Planet shows its annual Puppy Bowl - they are up to Puppy Bowl V (Super Bowl is up to XLIII). During the Puppy Bowl, you can watch puppies run around on an enclosed "arena," attacking toys and stumbling in the water dishes. There are, of course, cameras at the bottom of the water dish, so you get to watch each nose and paw at a close up.

While Bruce Springsteen is performing at the Super Bowl half-time show, the Puppy Bowl half-time show consists of kittens playing.

It's MUCH better than football, if you ask me.

Nostalgia

So, I've been YouTubing a bit lately... call it procratination or lazyness... after a long, hard week at work, I just haven't felt like doing much.

By accident, I came across this video of a character called Linus på Linjen - Linus on the Line (No, you are not supposed to understand what he is saying, although rifle, flower and elefante can be picked up in this one).

Linus was my grandfather's favorite cartoon. We got lucky every time he came on, since he the random 2-minute snippets were just thrown in between programs to fill space when a program ran short, and you could never find Linus in the TV Guide. Then again, we only had 2 television stations until 1992, so the options for what to watch were scarce.

In the mid 1980s, when I was 6 or 7 years old, I remember being amazed at the color yet simplicity of the animation of Linus. Eventually, Linus got to serve as a public figure in telling people to recycle cans or newspaper, which you can watch here.

I can't help but wonder what my grandfather would be saying today if he were still alive. He could have been watching television 24 hours a day, with things much more exciting than a hand drawing a simple figure. But then again, my grandfather appreciated the simple things in life. To him, Linus was perfection.

Mass murderers and 'CSI'

Perhaps it's not so strange that I'm a fan of the television series "CSI." Since I was 15, I have been fascinated by psychopaths and mass murderers.

So much so, that during a school break in the fall of 1994, I took a bus for 2 hours to the town of Falun to visit he site where Mattias Flink, a sergeant in the Swedish Army, shot eight people after a night of angry binge drinking. Notebook in hand and armed with my first very own camera, I walked in his footsteps from the gate of the restricted section of the military base to the park where the six ladies from the auxiliary where maimed with his AK-5.

Newspaper clippings had mapped out exactly where the bodies were found, and I could picture the young male cyclist and the security officer being hit by bullets as well - it was like a fuzzy re-enactment you see on television, where the shadows of those who died reappear to give you an idea of exactly how things went down.

After a couple of hours of research, I had lunch, then took the first bus back home.

Although I never really knew what to do with the materials I had gathered, I organized it with my newspaper clippings in a binder and tucked it away in a drawer of my desk. I briefly considered writing to Flink in prison so he could answer a list of questions I had, but I quickly abandoned the idea, realizing only crazy people write to mass murderers.

Flink, who is serving a 24-year sentence (lifetime, in Sweden), has denied all interviews by news media. After being threatened by fellow prisoners who were disgusted with his actions, Flink got a new identity and was moved to another prison. His request for a lower sentence was denied last year, but he has been allowed to leave the prison unsupervised several times due to good behavior. The families of the victimes have repeatedely protested his parole.

Watching American football

Let's get this straight - American football isn't really a sport.

First of all, the so-called players never do anything except stand there on the field in strange positions, and sometimes slapping each other on the butt.

Tonight there was a very important game on TV - Patriots vs. Jets. Not important because of any playoff or because either of the teams is Albie's favorite. Oh no, it was important because Albie plays in an online fantasy league and might win money at the end of the season if "his" players do well in real life.

In between commercial breaks at "Ace of Cakes," we had to switch to the NFL Network to see updates in the game. Then we had to watch the rest of the game, when my cake show was over.

"Why are they doing that?" I asked Albie as one player was taking a swipe at another player, and the other player punched the first guy in the back. After all, the two guys were on the same team, so it didn't make any sense.
"They are congratulating each other for a good play," he explained.
"Oh," I said.

Between plays, before one guy was ready to hike the ball between his legs to a teammate, both teams were lined up on the field, opposite each other.
"Could he kick the ball?" I asked.
"Yeah," Albie said. "But that wouldn't make any sense. That's only one point, and they need a touchdown."
"No, I don't mean now, I mean in general," I explained. "When they are standing in that position, would he be allowed to kick the ball? I mean, the guy from the other team is leaning forward over the ball, so if the first guy kicks it, that guy would get it right in the face."

Albie just shook his head at me.
"No," he said.
"No what?"
"He can't kick the ball now."

And like this we watched until the Patriots tied the game and it went to overtime.
"What??? They have to play another 15 minutes???" I complained.
"It'll be quick," Albie said. "It's sudden death. Whoever scores the first point wins, and the game is over."
"Yes, I understand what sudden death is," I said. "They have that in real sports, too."

I could beat 'Technology Jones'

The TV station MOJO runs a show called "Technology Jones." It features a tech-crazy guy (haven't seen a girl yet) who has to give up all his gadgets for a week.

It a way, it's a modern survival story. It has nothing to do with living in the wild, hunting or making a fire, but for some of these guys, it might as well be.

On a recent show, real estate agent Dave's life gets transformed to the year 1971. A crew comes in to take all his "tech toys" away. They replace them with items used in 1971.

Dave, who lives in a beautiful house in the Hamptons, finds himself driving around in an old car without a cell phone, without a GPS system and without his patience. Watching him fly from payphone to payphone is both fascinating and frustrating, and when he crunches up his map and loudly declares "I don't know how to read a map!" I have to laugh.

He then has to host a dinner party, without fancy cooking gadgets. Dave tries using a crockpot, then turns to the grill without much success. His only salvation: He knows how to mix old-fashioned drinks and can keep his guests happy.

Perhaps it all seems strange to me because I remember life without technology. I remember summers in the woods, without electricity and bathrooms, where we had to walk to the well to get water or bring gallons of water with us from home before we left.

We still cooked, cleaned, bathed and socialized. We played music, we sang and danced and we sat up talking all night.

There was a life before computers, before cell phones and before GPS systems. It was called trusting your instincts and your creative abilities. It was called spending time with people who really mattered.

Sometimes, I think people today have lost that ability.

Stealing European ideas

On my way to work one day, I heard a radio announcer talk about a new reality TV show.

"Farmer Seeks a Wife," I think it was called. It's supposed to be about 25 city girls going to live with a farmer somewhere in the Midwest. The farmer will chose a wife among them.

"What the heck?" I thought. "That's just like that stupid show that's been on TV in Sweden for a few years now!"

I've never actually seen the show since I've been out of the country, but all the contestants have been appearing frequently on the tabloid Aftonbladet's web site.

"Do they have to steal all the good TV shows from Sweden?" I thought to my self, thinking of the show "Survivor," which is based on the Swedish concept of "Expedition Robinson."

As soon as I got to a computer, I googled this new farmer show. As it turns out, it isn't a Swedish concept at all. The show started in England several years before Sweden, and it has apparently been very popular in Holland and Germany as well.

Oh well. At least I can complain that American steal all their shows from England. And Sweden was still first with "Survivor."

An update on my 'Bachelor' situation

Those of you who think I should have stayed home to watch the season finale of "The Bachelor" instead of going to see Bryan Adams can relax.

As it turns out, last week was not the season finale. ABC threw in a special episode of "The Women of The Bachelor Tell It All." The season finale will air tonight.

Coming clean about 'The Bachelor'

Mostly, I watch crime or mystery shows on television. I frequently watch home improvement shows, and I try to watch the news at least a few times a week.

With the exception of “Super Nanny,” I’m not into reality TV. I hate watching glamorous girls compete to be the “Next Top Model” or the “Next Pussycat Doll,” and I don’t really seeing people “Dancing with the Stars.” The housemates of “Big Brother” just give me the creeps, and the singers on “American Idol” can’t grab my attention for more than a few seconds.

I do, however, watch “The Bachelor” – the cheesiest of all “reality” shows. I don’t usually watch the entire season since I find it hard to keep track of 25 girls. I prefer to start watching during “the hometown dates,” when there are four girls left who each get to bring the bachelor home to their parents. After that, there are only two shows left, and I am not wasting an entire spring watching TV.

This season, young financier Matt Grant came over from England to find the American girl of his dreams to settle down with. I saw the first show by accident while I was at the gym. As 25 flirty girls stepped out of an oversized limousine in their slutty evening gowns to greet the eager and handsome 27-year-old Englishman, I was hooked.

“I can’t believe that show is still on,” my dentist said during a recent visit.

The only reason a guy goes on that show is to see how many of the girls he can sleep with, she said. None of the relationships work out, she said, because as soon as the “chosen one” finds out that the bachelor slept with one, five or all of the other girls during the taping of the show, she dumps him.

I googled the previous bachelors, and it seems my dentist was right. None of the other ones made it. One couple is still together, but have called off the engagement because they “just weren’t ready yet,” according to a celebrity magazine. Oh no, wait, they broke up a few months later.

Last season’s bachelor didn’t even pick a girl at the end. In a first-ever ‘Bachelor’ finale, he sent both finalists home without a ring. I think that was my favorite so far.

It can’t be easy watching yourself on television when the show finally airs – for either one of them.

I think I enjoy the show so much because of the intrigue – so many girls living together and fighting over one guy. It’s also fun when the girls say really stupid things, like, “we’ll make it work, somehow.” Perhaps it is the joy of carefully examining the editing, wondering what was left out at the end of the day…Or perhaps it is just that I happen to have Monday nights off from work and can waste an hour of my evening watching crappy television.